Communicating God's Way - Lesson 5 - With Our Spouse in Words

Damaged

Waiting for the feeling to subside,
paranoid, I melt into myself.
They say I'm to reach inside and find
the broken part of my machinery.

Psychoanalyze the chapters
on the path to my darkest day.
Searching for the answers,
all I see is damage through the haze.

Picking up the pieces of my life
with no direction for re-assembly.
The one that lays beside me
is sharing scars of my broken yesterdays.

Will tomorrow find me hypnotized? Crying?

(No one is) in control,
domineering stranglehold
Sowing destructive seeds
for the scavengers to feed.

Driving the nail into my head,
memory flows like a river.

With the one that lays beside me
I'm healing scars from my childhood memories.
Tomorrow finally found me.
I'm hypnotized.

I'm trying...to understand the chapters
of the path from my darkest day.
Searching for the answers
but there's DAMAGE!

Lyrics by: Geoff Tate


Damaged Goods

Becky, what did I tell you when you first met me? Do you remember? That’s right, “You don’t want me, I’m damaged goods.” Why do I say that? We all come into our marriage with baggage. Baggage from a previous marriage. A previous relationship. Baggage from our childhood. It is a part of us. Some of it was good and it will help our marriage. Some of it is bad and we have to fight to keep it inside. In addition, some of it was so bad that we blocked it out of our memory banks.

When Becky and I talk there are things that come out from my childhood that I haven’t thought about in years. Things that I haven’t even thought about. As we share those tough feelings, it helps us to understand each other.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that we are making excuses for our inadequacies, justify them or rationalize them. When we get to the root of the problem it is easier to deal with and take steps to conquer.

Becky can tell me, you are always angry; there is no joy in your life. You need to get better. It’s not a switch I can just turn on and off. If that were the case, I would have flicked the switch long ago. When we talk and piece things together we can find the underlying cause of things. She believes I still have some resentment towards my father or some bitterness about my childhood.

I think she is on to something with that theory. I am not cured and I don’t have the answers but at least knowing that we are looking in the right direction has helped me.

Why do I say all this? I’m damaged goods. You are also. We all have some baggage. Moreover, you know what? We all know what our major obstacles are. I know what my problems are. I know when I get too angry. I know when I don’t do enough around the house. I know when I am too rough on the kids.

As spouses are we to be the referee and point out to our loved one every time they make a mistake? Was it really a mistake or a sin? On the other hand, is it just something we don’t like? Or is it that we just want to control them?

Because we are all in this class, I believe we want to communicate better. We don’t want to change our spouse. We want to love them and pray for the Lord to change them. If they need changing. Or maybe we should pray for the Lord to help us understand our thinking incase we are out of line.

Either way, like the illustration Pastor gave us before. We are a triangle with Jesus at the top. As we stay focused on Jesus and draw closer to him. We will in turn draw closer to our husband or wife.

We have reviewed scripture in other lessons on how our words are to be. We are to be uplifting, we are to stay focused on Jesus and our soon eternity in Paradise.

James 3:1-12, “My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation. For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.”

Remember the story I shared with you the first week about the little boy and the fence? We say things and we cannot take them back. We can ask forgiveness and pull out the nail and the hole is still there.

Can anyone share something that is on his or her heart about these versus at this time?





“I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.” – Calvin Coolidge.

Judges 15:15-16, “And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.”

Do you think the Lord was trying to tell us something here?





Story of the Hermit Crab

Have you ever gone hunting for hermit crabs? Neither have I. But here is how it was explained to me.

You go out in the shallow water. Take off your shoes, roll up your pants and bring your wicker basket with a lid on it. You bring a wicker basket with you so the water can flow in and out and keep the hermit crabs fresh.

You scan through the water surface to look for an movement. When you see one of these little guys scurrying away you very carefully pick them up. You use your thumb and your pointer finger. Very carefully grabbing them from behind so their claws don't get you. You pick him up and put him in the basket. and put the lid back on so he doesn't climb out.

Now remember these are hermit crabs so you don't find them in clusters. You have to keep looking. When you find another one you again carefully pick him up and put him in the basket. Now there is no need to put the lid on.

Here is why. When ther is one hermit crab in the basket he will climb out. When there are two or more in the basket one will start climbing out then the other will pull him back in. Then he will start to climb out and the other will pull him back in.


Why do we say mean things to our spouse? Is it to help them? Is it to make them mad because they made us mad? Is it to tear them down? Because it is a lot easier to knock them down one rung off the ladder than climb up one rung to them.

“I was just speaking to her in the tone she spoke to me in.” – Take the higher ground.
“I’m the head of the household.” – Take the higher ground.
“He thinks he is always right.” – Take the higher ground.
“You never told me you were sorry.” – Take the higher ground.
“You always do that.” – Take the higher ground.
“You never do that.” – Take the higher ground.


Luke 6:37, “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:”

My study Bible states, “Judge can mean ‘to distinguish,’ or ‘to consider carefully.’ Jesus does not forbid this. Here He warns rather against high-handed condemnation of others. It is God’s task alone to render a judgment that condemns.”

Can you give testimony of this verse?





Proverbs 16:27, “An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips there is as a burning fire.”

Are we being Godly when we speak like that?





I know we don’t mean all those evil things we say. We love our wife or our husband. We need to learn how to communicate. We need to speak in love. I pray that the Lord speaks through me. If I say what I want it will hurt. When we do that over a period of time we build up walls.


Story of the Elephant

Have you ever heard how they contain an enormous, full-grown elephant?

When the elephant is young they tie one of its legs to a strong sturdy tree. The frustrated baby elephant will pull, and pull, and pull, and pull against the securely fastened rope. I don’t know how long it takes, maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe even months. Eventually the baby elephant stops pulling on the rope. The elephant has learned that when he pulls on the rope he can only go that far.

So when the enormous elephant is full-grown they tie one of its legs to … a strong sturdy tree? No. They tie it to an eight-inch wooden stake drove slightly into the ground.

Haven’t you ever heard of how smart elephants are, and that they never forget?

Well that elephant remembers quite well, that if he pulls on the rope he is not going to go any further. You can even watch the elephant at the edge of his rope with tension on it. His leg will rise up, as if there is an equally resistant force pulling it back. It is a controlled response.

We are the same way. We have learned, “Every time I tried that I failed. I’m not trying that again.” Or we say, “I’ve never been very good at that”, so we stop trying.


Psalms 140:3, “They have sharpened their tongues like a serpent; adders' poison is under their lips. Selah.”

Don’t we know the exact words to bring tears to our loved ones? No one knows them better than us. If we have truly forgiven them for the past why do we continue to bring it up. If we don’t say it directly we hint at it and imply it.


Listening

Well-known Broadway producer Jed Harris once became convinced he was losing his hearing. He visited a specialist, who pulled out a gold watch and asked "Can you hear this ticking?" "Of course," Harris replied. The specialist walked to the door and asked the question again. Harris concentrated and said, "Yes, I can hear it clearly." Then the doctor walked into the next room and repeated the question a third time. A third time Harris said he could hear the ticking. "Mr. Harris," the doctor concluded, "there is nothing wrong with your hearing. You just don't listen."
Today in the Word, June 9, 1992.


Here’s one more

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Source Unknown.

I know Becky will tell you one of my biggest problems is that I don’t listen. I think I do listen I just don’t hear her right. I even get mad about what I think she said. Or I get mad about what I think her motive is. She’s challenging me. Maybe I should listen more. We have two ears and one mouth and we are to use them in that proportion.


A wise old owl lived in an oakThe more he heard, the less he spoke.The less he spoke, the more he heard,Why can't we all be like the wise old bird?
Unknown.


Can it be that the average person spends one-fifth of his or her life talking? That's what the statistics say. If all of our words were put into print, the result would be this: a single day's words would fill a 50-page book, while in a year's time the average person's words would fill 132 books of 200 pages each! Among all those words there are bound to be some spoken in anger, carelessness, or haste.
Today in the Word, June 15, 1992.


Married couples have nothing more to say to each other after 8 years, according to a study. Professor Hans Jurgens asked 5000 German husbands and wives how often they talked to each other. After 2 years of marriage, most of them managed two or three minutes of chat over breakfast, more than 20 minutes over the evening meal and a few more minutes in bed. By the sixth year, that was down to 10 minutes a day. A state of "almost total speechlessness" was reached by the eighth year of marriage.
Daily Mirror (London).


In a survey by the American Sociological Review, working women said they talk with their husbands an average of 12 minutes each day.
Focus in the Family, January, 1990, p. 8.


OK great, we now know everything we are doing wrong. What are the answers? I also believe we know the answers. They are not always on the tips of our tongue. Or on the first thoughts that pop up in our head.

I believe that as we pray together. Hand in hand at night before bed our communication bond will strengthen. As men I think we get nervous or too tired and don’t pray with our wives every night. We could pray in the morning before we leave for work. Maybe she is still sleeping when you leave. You kiss her before you leave. Pray over her. If she is awake great. If she is sleeping that’s fine too.

Proverbs 15:2, “The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.”

Proverbs 12:18, “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.”

Has the Lord through this lesson convicted you of anything?





Is there something you are going to start doing with your spouse in communication that you can share?





Is there something you are going to try and stop doing with your spouse that you can share?






next chapter

back to index